Charades.

10 11 2009

I was told once I was good at that game. Able to act and convey fake emotions easily. Deception and false answers, rolling off the top of my head like a conveyor belt on overdrive..

Somewhere deep inside, I kind of resent this side of me, one that can lie and deceive to protect the feeling of others, and to throw people off from my own feelings.

But on the other hand, I lie to protect their feelings, so they won’t know what kind of a battlefield my inner thoughts really is, and get hurt about it themselves..

So.. what exactly am I?





Broken.

27 10 2009

I could have kept my mouth shut. But I didn’t.

I could have kept it hidden, but I let it out.

I could have denied it, but I embraced with all I am.

What did I get in the end?

Shards. of what it felt.





Reminiscent.

17 09 2009

Doing the yearly spring cleaning of my drawers and cupboards today. I came across a whole pile of old photos I stashed away because they were not relevant to what I was doing. Went through every single one. You know what they were?

Pictures from my secondary school days.

It was then that I realized that these are photos that are over or close to a decade old. FADZLI 10 years ago. When I look at me 10 years ago.. WOW. So much difference. Listed them down below:

  • I was a lot more tanned then. Now I understood why a few of my friends called me the unorthodox Tamil Tiger.
  • There was COMPLETELY no sign of my now-obvious tummy.
  • Back then, I didn’t have a hairSTYLE. It was just hair.
  • I had photos from Sec 1 to Sec 5. Each year, I adopted a new hairstyle. Yearly epic fail.
  • I was really short.

And then there was the photos of my other schoolmates.. whether it was at camps, pre-JT Jammers performances (OMG THIS I GOTTA SCAN AND TAG IN FB!), school gatherings, random shots taken by friends.. please take note, this was over a year ago, when digital cameras were like the iPhone among cameras that time. EVERYTHING was on film. The horror.

I realized that I’ve grown a lot since then. I mean, I do wish that I could go back and relive those memories.. it was fun being a 14-year-old without a care in the world. Right now, I’m 24 with plenty of concerns, just your typical young adult Singaporean. I think I’ve aged well. I’ve got my targets, and they’re all within range.. I’ve no worries at the moment! and I like that feeling.

I hope that if ever my younger friends come upon / stumble / stalk my blog and read this entry.. flood your computers with photos of who and what you are now. Keep them. When you grow older, you’ll realize that the photos will help you achieve what most adults fail to do, and yearn to do it.

Feel young again.





Update.

17 09 2009

I haven’t blogged for a long time have I? Even Stephanie’s complaning. lols. Its just that, a lot of things happened, and I just don’t feel like blogging it yet. No inspiration. Right now, the mood seems right, so here I go..

Team trip to East Coast! I haven’t been there for a very very long time. it has changed so much! Had a whole bunch of us around. I just realized how serene Bedok Jetty can be in the evening. While the rest of them were encamped at Mcdonalds, I decided to cycle to the jetty to sit down. Its the first time I felt peace in a long long time.

IMG_0269

To my left.

To my right.

To my right.

What's behind me...

What's behind me...

All around... serenity.

All around... serenity.

After so long, I cycled like a nutcase back and forth. You don’t really appreciate distance till you try cycling down East Coast Park. Brought me back to the old days, a decade ago, where I would cycle like said nutcase up and down West Coast.. whether it was to Ginza Plaza, or to Pandan Reservoir or even to West Coast Park. I’ve AGED.

One drawback about the area, its near to Changi airport, so the sounds of the planes flying in and out of one of the world’s busiest airports can be a tad bit distracting. I counted 22 planes flying in and out throughout the whole time I was there. And to think that, I’ve been telling a lot of people who have been asking, that I haven’t been on a plane before. I AM SERIOUS. Never had. I have been on foot since the dawn of my birth.

Speaking of foot. Ryan bought his new entry-level DSLR, and was so excited to try it. He had access to the car, so the first stop we went to was Bukit Timah Nature Reserve. We basically walked around the Reserve trying to explore whatever that could be explored, which was plenty actually. I haven’t been to the Reserve for a long time, so I was quite surprised to “discover” that there was a lot of things I missed out!

Random dead leaf on the boardwalk.

Random dead leaf on the boardwalk.

Mini autumn?

Mini autumn?

Hindhede Quarry. Looks a bit like Ubin scenery eh? There was 3 other quarries Ryan and myself couldn't cover. Can't wait to return back there again.

Hindhede Quarry. Looks a bit like Ubin scenery eh? There was 3 other quarries Ryan and myself couldn't cover. Can't wait to return back there again.

Ryan... being Ryan. =P

Ryan... being Ryan. =P

Random wood block corner close up.

Random wood block corner close up.

Saw this twisted tree when we entered one of the nature trails. Amazing eh?

Saw this twisted tree when we entered one of the nature trails. Amazing eh?

Close up of said tree.

Close up of said tree.

Fallen tree split apart by Nature. Notice the blue spherical seeds inside the cracks. Safe to say, the tree had blue balls. LOLS!

Fallen tree split apart by Nature. Notice the blue spherical seeds inside the cracks. Safe to say, the tree had blue balls. LOLS!

Ryan shocked this fella. Almost stepped on his tail. We spent 5 minutes just looking at this guy, who was content digging a hole by a tree.

Ryan shocked this fella. Almost stepped on his tail. We spent 5 minutes just looking at this guy, who was content digging a hole by a tree.

Den after about an hour, we got exhausted and decided to head back to the car. It was loooong downhill walk, but it was made worthwhile because we saw an old friend on the way down!

WEI ZHONG! HAHAHAHAHA! kidding kidding! =X

WEI ZHONG! HAHAHAHAHA! kidding kidding! =X

There was a troop of monkeys happily sitting by the side of the path like nobody’s business. I counted 15 healthy troop members. I don’t know which species they really are, but its really heartening to know there’s a healthy population of primates still active in one of Singapore’s nature reserves.

After a few minutes of debating inside the car, we decided to head to Sungei Buloh Nature Reserve, the premier mangrove reserve on the mainland. The other of course, being Chek Jawa, which I haven’t stepped foot on before.

The Reserve was absolutely fantastic in the late afternoon, other than the murderous mosquitoes, it was perfect day for a stroll. Next 3 photos were taken on top of the Aviary watch tower.

DSC_0167DSC_0169DSC_0168

Mangrove scenery all around.

Mangrove scenery all around.

This non-epic picture of a flower is THE reason why I wanna get a freakin prime lens.

This non-epic picture of a flower is THE reason why I wanna get a freakin prime lens.

Nice right? Walked around a hell lot. I’m looking for a good place, other than my FB, to upload all of the shots. I know deviantart is good, but that’s being used for the cosplay shoots I do. I’ll see how.

It was on the way back to the Visitors Centre did something really epic fail happened to me.

We just about reached the Centre and were preparing to exit, but Ryan said he needed to go to the toilet. So I told him to go ahead while I waited outside. I was standing on the typical wooden boardwalk, bordered by greenery to both my left and right.

I spied a sign on one of the walls, stating to BE CAREFUL OF CROCODILES. Yes, there are mangrove crocodiles hanging around if they’re not busy being buayas or dissing Croc shoes. Suddenly, I head scratching sounds below me, where my left foot was. When I looked down.. lo and behold..

No.. I didn't see this dude. But I sure wish I did!

No.. I didn't see this dude. But I sure wish I did!

Staring back at me, was a 1.5m long water monitor lizard. *cue horror scene music*

Safe to say, after reading that crocodile warning and seeing a reptilian head near my feet, I did my best impression of Usain Bolt and ran. The lizard too, jumped and ran. Ryan peeked his head outside, and asked whats wrong. I told him everything. H e didn’t laugh, because he knew what we were looking at.

It really resembles a Komodo Dragon. Not Kodomo baby talcum powder.

It really resembles a Komodo Dragon. Not Kodomo baby talcum powder.

"kua simi kua?"

"kua simi kua?"

Very National Geographic eh? LOLS!

Very National Geographic eh? LOLS!

Just looking at it already gives me the creeps. URGH. Anyway, we spied a few of the water monitors on the way back, and snapped away. It was pretty much my closest encounter of the reptilian kind.

"I see you... do you see me?"

"I see you... do you see me?"





Reality.

13 08 2009

There. The post did what it was supposed to do. Truthfully speaking, I didn’t like the situation any more than you do. How was I supposed to tell you how we felt, without you incurring some other form of emotional injury? What you wrote in the team thread, was basically what I thought was appropriate, albeit weeks before. You can tell it has a profound effect on the team, because after Oreo’s and Lorenzo’s reply, we basically fell silent. It was that kind of uncomfortable scenario you know? Let you know and we’ll be damned. Don’t let you, and we’ll also be damned. Yes, I do see you as my younger sister, as I see the rest of the female team members. I didn’t know any other way to put it. You can think that you want to stay away from the team, or minimise interactions with us. I don’t really know about that, but I do know is, I smiled and had fun with you weeks after the incident happened. I don’t keep bad feelings inside of me. I seriously hope, you took away something from the incident, as I have done myself.





Responsibility.

17 07 2009

I’m back. But only because there is something I need to get off my chest. Even though it has been like what, 5 days? Its been seething in my head from that event until now. I know you’ll be reading this, but I just do not know any other way to let you know without offending you or your friends.

The first time I entered the team thread, I was amazed and happy to see everyone was so clickable with each other. No arguments, no conflicts, no friction. Eventually, as all cliques do, disagreements would occur, but it’d be solved in a jiffy. No problems there. But what happened on Cosfest Day 2, was just simply unforgiveable to me. To be honest, I thought the 2 of you should have known better.

There we were at BK White Sands rushing through our costumes, wigs and make-up. I think this is the point whereby I need to remind you that you volunteered to do the make up for the team. OUR team. But in the end, you ended up late. Frankly speaking, we were prepared. I’ve always told Oreo that whenever we do an event, we MUST consider the worst case scenario, and then act appropriately. Anything else that happens wouldn’t be THAT bad, and from there we could play it by ear. So we were quite prepared when we found out that your friend left your make-up materials at D’Marquee. OK la. We swallowed our rising tension, and then luckily, Mag, Mayo, Xuri was already on hand to help out with make up. I hope you remember that they are our back up. Not the MAIN make up artiste.

Oreo and I had planned it in such a way, with all the bad scenario’s planted in, that we’d all arrive, ready and good to cosplay, by 1:00pm sharp. Then suddenly, a call came in, saying that you won’t be stepping into Downtown East without your costume and make up on. Okay.. we factored that in. Got on with the plan. Still on track.

The group had to split up after that, because we had to deposit our bags at Mag’s place, whereas the rest went to D’Marquee to get the costumes, wigs and make up done. We figured that you were going to reach soon, and that everything would be fine and dandy. Right after we reached Mag’s place, took a short break, we received news that your best friend and yourself, would be DOING YOUR OWN MAKE UP AND COSTUME AT YOUR FRIEND’S HOUSE BEFORE HEADING DOWN. We were also told that you’d reached by 2:00pm. I would also like to mention that when I called to get things clarified, I was SHOUTED AT OVER THE PHONE, SAYING THAT RECEIVING CALLS FROM US WAS IRRITATING. Yes. IRRITATING. As much as I would have loved to FLICK OFF THE PERSON WHO ANSWERED MY PHONE CALL THERE AND THEN, I was a guest in someone’s house. So I put the phone down.

In my heart, all I could tell myself is; WE HAVE BEEN FUCKED.

True to my word, Oreo and I rushed down to D’Marquee to witness the all-around chaos that was ensuing. Make-up was barely done. Wigs was not styled properly. Basically, the shit had hit the fan. Oreo had a competition to go to, and his make up was more or less, unsatisfactory for competition purposes. But I don’t blame the stand in make-up artistes. They DID THEIR BEST. We got on with it. The Gundam Seed Destiny Team was pretty much fucked too, because of their incomplete make up and costumes. But I don’t blame the girls in their team for that. Because they actually volunteered to help TEAM CODE GEASS with their make-up. Yes. YOUR TEAM. In a way, they put our team first before their own.

So while Oreo went on the compete feeling disappointed, I tried to run things. TRIED. Wigs and make-up. Definitely not Fadzli’s area of specialty. BEST part was, that’s when you came. at 3:00pm. FANTASTIC. Not only did you fuck us up over the make-up. You also FUCKED OUR WORST CASE SCENARIO.

Fast forward to that same night, where your friend actually OFFERED HIS APOLOGY to us for screwing up our make-up arrangements. But do you know something? I don’t blame him AT ALL. Circumstances fucked with him. There was nothing the poor guy could do.

My only question is;

Why did you have to stay in your friend’s place to do YOUR own make-up and leave YOUR TEAM, the ones you PROMISED TO DO THEIR MAKE UP, in the lurch, only to turn up fucking HOURS LATER?

You screwed up arrangements for Team CG, and Team GSD. I am not going into details on how I felt when I was shouted at. I think you would know that if people are drastically calling for you, its because they need your help. But.. we were FUCKED weren’t we?

In your defense, you were sick. Okay. But I don’t see that as being any reason to come down late, or in this case, NOT FUCKING APPEARING to help your team with the make-up.

Oh. And to top it all off. Not even an apology from you. but from your friend yes. In our team thread nonetheless.

I have a very high opinion of you. But after your display on Sunday, there’s a lot of things I have to reconsider. I just hope the photoshoot doesn’t get fucked too.

Sit down and think about it please. Its not everyday I blow up like this, and if I do, its because of something, someone, or some TEAM, that I hold very close to my heart.





Floats.

24 06 2009

I was telling Jocelyn yesterday, I needed inspiration to blog. I didn’t want to just like blog emptily, just put out a random pile of comments and thoughts and publish it. So here’s one that has stumped me for some time.

Okay. I bet you’ve seen this before. You’re walking down in town, happily with your friends or significant other, and then you come upon a group of “ruffians”.. notice the “”, because most of the time, they’re just decent guys with a weird taste in fashion. Let me explain. When you walk past them, they’ll have caps on. and they’ll look real good in them.. except.. why are the caps floating?

Yup. The renowned Floating Cap Phenomena. Does anyone REMOTELY know why the cap has to float? Usually when I see people wear caps, its all flat on their head, nice and neat, protecting your head from the burning effects of the sun. But what does a floating cap do? You know, when that fashion statement first came out, and I saw a bunch of 15 dudes (that right, FIFTEEN effing male teenagers) entering the train, with magically floating caps on their heads. IN DIFFERENT COLOURS! It was like seeing UFOs hovering above their heads. and I swear to you, as I was standing beside one of them, I surreptiously took a look inside the cap. ALL of them were wearing the caps with the mesh lining at the back, thus making the area around the back of the cap see-through. And there I was. Peering inside the cap, to look for answers I somehow felt wouldn’t come. It didn’t.

So I came up with a few theories on to what’s inside the cap.

  1. Food. Nasi Lemak, Mee Hongkong, Roti Prata.. the possibilities are endless.
  2. Polly Pocket figurine set.
  3. Pokemon cards.
  4. A Gremlin.
  5. Play-doh.
  6. Scrunched up Afro hair.
  7. A purple Smurf. Due to lack of air.
  8. A hamster. In a freakin wheel.

And to compound matters, I actually saw it. In a MUSIC VIDEO, of an American artiste. ITS SPREADING, PEOPLE. This guy, Karl Wolf, shoots his awesome music video in the land of oil-rich Dubai, drives a fantastic sports car, sits on a boat with his trophy girlfriend sipping god-knows-what.. and his effing CAP IS FLOATING.

Close up footage of floating cap on 2:00 onwards. SCREAM my friends. SCREAM.

Nice song eh? Saving grace, he flattened his cap after that.

You know what a bunch of these floating-cap-wearing-people remind me of?

Also known as Bash-in-floating-caps Game.

Also known as Bash-in-floating-caps Game.

You can just hear the game music in the background.. the game timer counting down.. and then the PIAK PIAK PIAK PIAK PIAK of the caps being flattened. Then followed by the sounds of your running footsteps and they chase you down. lols.

You know who should wear floating caps?? CONEHEADS!

This way to buy floating caps!

This way to buy floating caps!

Of course for them, its a necessity!

And I’m just posting this here, JUST BECAUSE she is extremely hot.

Okay. So I'm a fanboy. Sue me.

Okay. So I'm a fanboy. Sue me.